I seem to get more hits than ever these days. At least when “ever” stands for pretty much the last 2 or 3 years. It was never coincidental, back in the day when people had still something to write for, to have a peak of hits. Something was going on.

Usually, some crazy persona would find you and read the entirety of your posts in 2 hours. Then claim possession over a particular landmark of your mind.

There is still people that pathetically erupt in judgement after I have said something. The thing is, I reckon I am being surprisingly mild in terms of out-loud-statements. Not just to cover myself, but to avoid scaring off absolutely every human being that I come in contact with.

Recent events have made me almost pretty much discard a few things that I used to do on a regular basis. For many reasons. It´s good when you actually realise that something is not right and take action, as opposed as not taking any action. Funnily enough, I think there is absolutely no difference regardless you take a reactive or impassible approach: The shit still remains, but if it works at a personal level, then that has to be good enough.

Because no-one can go beyond that.

This is super early shit. Actually not that early, but still pretty fucking tiring to think about, for that matter.

This is brutal.

I am never coming back.

Not as I used to be.

“Have you seen… before?”

“No”

“Ok”

How should I tell you that there is barely any room for it to affect me without freaking you out? Should I at all?

Hay que buscar una buena persona.

Que sea buena persona de verdad.

It happens with the stopwatch precision of a wartime commandos raid: Every fucking night before I need to wake up early and travel, I cannot sleep. Tonight, for this alone not to be shit enough, it´s also about 25 C, which makes my room unbearable.

I go into some sort of extreme alert mode. I ain´t losing a flight in my lifetime. No fucking way. God knows that well.

Las consecuencias no existen, y tú no puedes ver para siempre. Por más que abras los ojos.

La eterna duda sigue ahí, en la trastienda de mi mente, apelotonada con otro montón de porquerías que no vienen al caso, y la respuesta, nunca es fácil.

No es tanto por el tiempo que me queda, si no por el que no voy a poder tener nunca. Es la gracieta interminable del ser humano, y no, no hablo de envidia, hablo de ser incapaces de poseer El Tiempo. No me importa no vivir para Siempre, pero quiero vivir TO-DO.

Y bueno, como muchos de los que pasáis por aquí de vez en cuando ya sabréis, esto no puede ser. Ni será.

En un momento dado mientras estaba trabajando, alguien ha empezado una videoconferencia multibanda y puedo ver a muchos de mis amigos en la pantalla. Recuerdo que iba a prepararte un café, así que dejo lo que estoy haciendo y bajo las escaleras en dirección a la cocina.

Al traspasar la primera puerta noto algo en mi boca, en la parte de atrás de la misma. Lo recojo con la lengua y en el proceso noto algo más. Con terror escupo los objetos en la palma de mi mano y veo una paleta y la esquina de una muela. Palpo el interior de mi boca con la lengua. Todos los dientes parecen estar ahí.

Me despierto. Me duele la boca horrores. Desencajo mi cédula dental y me cerciono de nuevo de que todos mis dientes siguen en su sitio. Sitio irregular, pero más o menos fijos.

Después me accedo a mi perfil en una de estas páginas web de citas y navego a través de diferentes perfiles sugeridos como compatibles. Veo sonrisas perfectas. Dientes blancos, alineados, perfectos. Cierro la pestaña y me preparo un café.

We ALL have secrets. 

Sort of introduced my Mother Dear to a proven fact here, very well depicted (to an extremely hilarious level) in the film Idiocracy. It´s pretty obvious that things in real life will hopefully not develop in the terms described in the movie, but in essence, the key thing is that a higher education and a more interesting career etc, leads most people to not be interested in getting attached with anyone. 

Being alone is some times a much better option than dragging or being dragged by somebody. I find somewhat retarded justifying the benefits of being in a long term relationship saying that “that way you have someone to rely on, someone to share your life with”. Like if your friends, or even your workmates (even if I don´t consider most of these my friends) aren´t more involved in your life than your partner. 

There is one way and one way only in which I will ever have a family of my own, and it is so damn specific that I assumed already that it won´t happen. Of course, things might change, someone could show up out of fucking nowhere and be like “hey”, and I would “hey” them back and wake up and brew coffee like a barista, for the two of us. 

This is real, it could happen. What I cannot change is all my other baggage. 

A footballer is a “person” that, upon threat or assault pretends to be massively hurt in order to gain advantage over others, often provoking stupid situations in which 2 of them are acting in the same shitty way and not actually injured. 

Like if, if someone was to headbutt you right in the nose you wouldn´t glass them before they can get any closer. 

Respira, eso ya es una pequeña victoria. ¿Qué más quieres?