Las consecuencias no existen, y tú no puedes ver para siempre. Por más que abras los ojos.

La eterna duda sigue ahí, en la trastienda de mi mente, apelotonada con otro montón de porquerías que no vienen al caso, y la respuesta, nunca es fácil.

No es tanto por el tiempo que me queda, si no por el que no voy a poder tener nunca. Es la gracieta interminable del ser humano, y no, no hablo de envidia, hablo de ser incapaces de poseer El Tiempo. No me importa no vivir para Siempre, pero quiero vivir TO-DO.

Y bueno, como muchos de los que pasáis por aquí de vez en cuando ya sabréis, esto no puede ser. Ni será.

En un momento dado mientras estaba trabajando, alguien ha empezado una videoconferencia multibanda y puedo ver a muchos de mis amigos en la pantalla. Recuerdo que iba a prepararte un café, así que dejo lo que estoy haciendo y bajo las escaleras en dirección a la cocina.

Al traspasar la primera puerta noto algo en mi boca, en la parte de atrás de la misma. Lo recojo con la lengua y en el proceso noto algo más. Con terror escupo los objetos en la palma de mi mano y veo una paleta y la esquina de una muela. Palpo el interior de mi boca con la lengua. Todos los dientes parecen estar ahí.

Me despierto. Me duele la boca horrores. Desencajo mi cédula dental y me cerciono de nuevo de que todos mis dientes siguen en su sitio. Sitio irregular, pero más o menos fijos.

Después me accedo a mi perfil en una de estas páginas web de citas y navego a través de diferentes perfiles sugeridos como compatibles. Veo sonrisas perfectas. Dientes blancos, alineados, perfectos. Cierro la pestaña y me preparo un café.

We ALL have secrets. 

Sort of introduced my Mother Dear to a proven fact here, very well depicted (to an extremely hilarious level) in the film Idiocracy. It´s pretty obvious that things in real life will hopefully not develop in the terms described in the movie, but in essence, the key thing is that a higher education and a more interesting career etc, leads most people to not be interested in getting attached with anyone. 

Being alone is some times a much better option than dragging or being dragged by somebody. I find somewhat retarded justifying the benefits of being in a long term relationship saying that “that way you have someone to rely on, someone to share your life with”. Like if your friends, or even your workmates (even if I don´t consider most of these my friends) aren´t more involved in your life than your partner. 

There is one way and one way only in which I will ever have a family of my own, and it is so damn specific that I assumed already that it won´t happen. Of course, things might change, someone could show up out of fucking nowhere and be like “hey”, and I would “hey” them back and wake up and brew coffee like a barista, for the two of us. 

This is real, it could happen. What I cannot change is all my other baggage. 

A footballer is a “person” that, upon threat or assault pretends to be massively hurt in order to gain advantage over others, often provoking stupid situations in which 2 of them are acting in the same shitty way and not actually injured. 

Like if, if someone was to headbutt you right in the nose you wouldn´t glass them before they can get any closer. 

Respira, eso ya es una pequeña victoria. ¿Qué más quieres?

That moment, when you have been drinking for ten (10) hours and you thought that everything was going to sink eventually but it actually doesn´t and you are like: 

– fffffff boi. I am PISSED.

– No you are not.

– You are right. I could do with a fresher pint. 

Too many hours listening to freestyle kid, you don´t even know. 

Sometimes is hard to differentiate the facts from the opinion, like if you were engaging in that crap too much and all sorts. Do you know what I am on about? Exactly. That´s what I thought. 

Remember the Struggle Time, when it hurt to think in The Language. What now? Now I just let the flow go its way while I sip and neck and shotgun. What day is it? Fuck knows buddy. 

Fuck knows. 

Ser un misántropo redomado y descubrir cómo de la nada estás dedicando tu vida a hundir la cabeza en la mierda para ayudar a los demás es bastante aterrador. Sobre todo viendo las cosas que he dejado de lado – hipotéticamente – para llegar a donde estoy ahora. 

Qué cosas tiene la vida. 

We never really came together or agreed in many ways when we shared The Ribbon Factory. But seeing you last night with your kid, the way you are educating her… I am completely blown up. She is a lucky kid. A happy kid. 

Looking forward for The Future To Come. 

So… what time were you supposed to be there?

10am.

Wasn´t it 9am?

Checks watch, it´s 9:02am.

FOR FUCK´S SAKE. 

Rushes it, his sister is like: I´ll do it some other day. 

But YOU ARE HOLDING US BACK!

No I am not. 

Eventually there is a row of desks with computers on top, right in the alley. 

Your name is there, her name is in the list of people holding others back. 

Log her in in some other machine, bypass the lock. 

IT DOESN´T ACTUALLY MATTER.

Welcome to the school of horrors. 

You will never leave. 

You know you are gonna enjoy the ride. It doesn´t matter how absolutely horrendous it could be for anyone else.