The sensation is coming back on a nightly basis now. It is louder and clearer than ever.

I have tried everything (OK, most things): not eating too late, gentle exercise, brutal exercise, no phones 2 hours before bed.

My brain bypasses such efforts effortlessly. Everything is low-key unfolding. In fact, everything is low-key: the anxiety, Sadness, guilt. These are not maniac episodes of despair, these are my new reality.

One gets used to the most extreme things with worrying casualness.